I was awake by 3.30am this morning, not because I couldn’t sleep, but because I have slept too much. I spent the rest of new year’s dawn browsing through everyone’s 2017 last moments on Instal-stories. I’m envious. Seriously. So full of life, zest, energy… all the food, dance, friends, alcohol, songs…then there was the fireworks. So beautiful, unfazed by the rain but heck -but I lost interest after 4 seconds. In fact other than working on publishing content, nothing hardly keeps my interest for that long anymore.
On Facebook, everyone’s penning their New Year’s resolutions. Some had big wins, new addition to the family, many were about ups and downs, challenges that brought about learning and new growth, all with hopes that 2018 will be a better year.
But I kept scrolling as I am looking for some very specific sharing, very specific words, very specific feelings. Surely somewhere out there, there’s someone not looking forward to the new year, feeling monotone and hiding from the celebrations?
If I were to describe 2017, I wished it was a year that never happened.
2017 was a great year for my personal content publishing career and I won a gold medal for a Wushu competition, but that was about it. Don’t get me wrong, I am really appreciative of all the support and belief from brands, PR companies and you, my lovely readers. It’s just that I can’t help but feel that my fatigue. injuries, hurt, losses and backslide are way too overwhelming. Please don’t ask me what happened as well -if you know, you already knew. If you didn’t know, I’m not ready to share and your questions will only make me retreat further into my safe corner.
This is also why my 12 Christmas Giveaway got so delayed, I only managed to work on 7 days. But the next 5 days (and more) will still happen – they will now be my 5 New Year’s Giveaway.
I couldn’t find what I sought to see in my feeds. Is it because it’s Social Media and everyone is compelled to send ‘good vibes only’ or is it because I am all alone, the only one feels pressured to be happy?
*** I paused to think,then choose the first reason. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. ***
So here’s to all of us, the others:
Who didn’t felt that 2017 was worth celebrating.
Who isn’t sure if 2018 will be a better year.
Who is still lost, unfound and broken.
Whose new year is not enough to bring renewed hopes and dreams.
Who didn’t grow but shrank.
Who didn’t and couldn’t set a 2018 resolution.
Whose Insta-stories and Facebook moments are empty.
Who are secretly happy that it’s been raining – the perfect excuse to not be anywhere but hide in bed re-watching shows.
Who is just plain tired, fatigued, exhausted, gone and have nothing left for anything else.
Who is sorry for existing, sorry for appearing, sorry for not being there, sorry for everything, sorry for being sorry…
Here’s a virtual toast and we may all retreat to our safe little bubble to drink and sleep till we find ourselves again.
To my current and new readers, I am sorry for the negativity. I wish I could send ‘good vibes only’, but this is my current and ‘true vibes’. I promise such posts will be very rare. Moving on, I’ll share more about my plans (not resolutions) for 2018.